Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Afraid to Resolve, but I Hope to Suck Less This Year.

What I should be doing right now: going to bed, so I'm reasonably well rested for whatever tomorrow brings.

What I should not be doing: sipping citron vodka and desperately searching the interwebs for another adoptive mother who's doing as poorly as I am, so we can bond. 

Which I'm actually doing: take a guess. 

I will, this time, spare you my parenting failures of the day.

Yesterday something went right--I knew The Winemaker needed some time alone at home to do his annual venture into beermaking, so I organized a series of errands both mundane (the pharmacy and bank) and fun (my sister's house to walk her dog, the library).  As a bonus, while the kids were distracted, I secretly packed a picnic, complete with hot water and cider mix, blankets and a camping mat for sitting on, and then we made a surprise stop at a giant outdoor Christmas tree.  I felt like a real mom, despite Oak's lamenting that he'd hoped for sausages at Costco. 

And there's this.  Oak had quite a day today.  It went on for hours, and only calmed down when I got him into the bathtub just before bedtime.  I am still being crappy, so his behavior got some pretty exciting results.  But we would walk together to calm down, storming down the streets in the cold air, just enough snowflakes to make you miss snow, and he would suddenly lean into me.  "I'm sorry Mama, I'm a bad boy."  Once I had to force myself, but the other times, I let go of my mad right away, knelt, hugged him, reminded him that he's not bad, he's learned some ways to defend himself and those ways aren't working so well now. 

Oh, and I made therapy appointments.  We got a double session Wednesday for both of us, and also booked two different family members to babysit.  Plus I got four emergency 8 am sessions in the next month.  This is kind of a big deal, since I just went back to work a month ago, and now I'll be taking half days all over the place, but I have to face this and get better. 

There are, on a side note that may actually be a main point, some wonderful bloggers out there who have decided that focusing on their own families is too self-serving and narrow, and who are boldly taking on stuff like child slavery, adoption corruption, and world poverty.  I admire them.  I would like to be them when I grow up.  But I also think that right now, anything besides fixing Scary Mean Mama is just procrastination, denial, and hypocrisy.   Keep fighting the good fight, people.  I will be over here repeating "Gentle voice, gentle hands" to myself and keeping a close eye on how fast I drain this vodka bottle.  The last bottle lasted almost two years, so that gives me a gauge for normal. 

Oh, and seriously?  When I say, "Wish me luck," even if you think I'm an unfit mother or an overwrought newbie, a "good luck" in the comments would be bolstering. 

1 comment:

  1. Wishing you nothing but the best of luck. You are not unfit, you are just navigating through some extremely difficult times. The best part is that you have a plan of action and you are resolved to know better and do better.
    Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever, ever done and I have seen sides of myself I never even knew existed and it overwhelms me continually.