Friday, October 11, 2013

"Self Control." Use air quotes to get the full effect of my sarcasm.

I've developed a Pinterest addiction.  This is not a joke.  Nor does it imply that I'm doing a lot of baking and crafting,  Instead, I spend hours scrolling through the "humor" section, clinking on links, and viewing  things like a list of Joey and Chandler's 25 best friendship moments (despite the fact that I did not own a TV during Friends' entire run) or 96 amazing animal photos.  During these hours I am neither grading papers, planning classes, talking to my family, nor getting to bed on time.  I finally downloaded a program that lets me block webpages from myself.  Yesterday I had Pinterest and Facebook blocked until 11:00 at night.  Then I stayed up until 2:00 getting my fix anyway.

I am 44 years old.  I am a responsible adult.  I have to download a program, sarcastically called "Self Control," in order to get myself out of the labyrinth of Pinterest time wasting.  I'm pretty sure this is not a good sign.  So,  Zoloft.  You're doing awesome on the "Less Rage" thing.  But I need you to back off on the "Zoning out Takes Precedence over Life" thing. 

In which my kids make me feel good.

Yesterday I was singing in the car, making up some nonsense song to entertain myself.  "Linden did this at you!" announces Oak, twirling his fingers near his ear.  I laugh.

"I didn't say you are crazy," she says, "I just said you're weird."

"Mama's not weird; she's AWESOME!" exclaims Oak. 

Some of the conviction in his voice came from the fact that he was arguing with his sister--and was on the parentally approved side of the argument for a change--but I'll take it. 

We read a story about a kitten going to school as a Show-and-Tell item.  Linden says, "If they do show-and-tell in 2nd grade, I'm going to bring you!"

"What would you tell?"  I ask, genuinely curious.

"I'd say, 'This is my Mama Doll.  She's the biggest toy ever!  She likes to wear earrings, and hug me, and read."

That about sums it up. 

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Doing my son's laundry

Pairs of pants: 12
Pairs of socks: 13
Pairs of underwear: 3

Seriously?  I guess we need to start micromanaging that. 

Saturday, October 5, 2013

A Few More Things Parenting Has Taught Me

1.  If a kid lays down during the day, even for a few seconds, that kid is sick. 

2.  Costco is a restaurant.  Sweet Tomatoes is a fancy restaurant.

3.  The evening allows enough time for two, maybe three of the following: making dinner from scratch, eating dinner as a family, doing dishes, listening to each kid read aloud for 20 minutes, supervising each kids' 20 minutes of homework, any of us getting any of our chores done.  Yet all of these things should be happening.  Plus, I hear some people bathe their kids occasionally.  I have no idea where they get the time.

4.  In event of soccer practice, there is time for soccer practice and Taco Bell.  That's it.  Oh, and you're supposed to bring a chair to soccer practice.  I didn't know that the first time I went.  On the plus side, soccer practice = Mom's reading time. 

5.  Saturday morning cartoons (or DVDs) exist so parents can sleep late and/or get it on. 

6.  Minecraft is a thing.  Applesauce in a little tube is a thing.  I knew that My Little Pony was a thing, but I didn't know they have Cutie Marks (gag). 

7.  Barbie movies don't suck as badly as I thought they would.  I'm not saying I make them an option on family movie night, but I think I prefer them to the movies where live action dogs make fart jokes.  The books based on the Barbie movies, however, are garbage.

8.  If you have the right kind of friends, with the right size of kids, you basically never need to buy any clothes for your kids besides socks and underwear. 

9.  The library has always been one of my very favorite places in the world.  Since having kids, I've discovered what the item check-out limit is (100), and that today's library offers free events like Lego Time and Game Night.  Add to that the fact that our library backs onto a park with biking paths around a lake, and you've got an entire day's free outing right there.  I honestly can't love the library any more than I do already, but if I could, I would.

10.  Zoloft makes me a better mom.

If you're wondering where the mushy stuff is, well, I did know going into this that there would be moments of awesome, times when I loved my kids so much I could physically feel my heart trying to pop out of my chest.  And I knew there'd be lows.  This list represents things I was just oblivious to in The Time Before Kids.