1. We have mice in our garage. The kids are half terrified and half fascinated. I'm just grossed out.
2. Oak hasn't had any weird peeing incidents in about four days. That we know of.
3. The scratch on Oak's back has finally healed. This is from when he was running from me after being defiant, and I tried to grab his shoulder and instead put a 2 inch scrape down his back with my fingernail. How's THAT for guilt?
4. I was trying to think of some fair-but-realistic limits to screen time, and realized that any reasonable amount of time would be such a drastic cut-back from what we're now allowing them that it will cause a revolt. And I was RAISED WITH NO TV. So I am also experiencing serious guilt about allowing my kids to spend so much time on videos/games/Smart phones.
5. Our kids go to bed at 11:00 at night.
6. I buy them treats every fucking time I go to the grocery store. It's ridiculous. I justify it by pointing out that our therapist told us that until they really "get" what family is about, they need to equate mom and dad with food, which will mean mom and dad = joy, which eventually will mean mom and dad = love. But I'm afraid that they're learning mom=easy touch at the grocery store.
7. I keep forgetting to put sunscreen on everyone, and I'm the only person in the family who isn't sunburned now.
8. I worry that I already love Linden, but sometimes don't even like Oak. I know they aren't supposed to be good to "earn" my love, and I know why he behaves the way he does. I know he has no reason to trust me, as I'm his fourth Mama, and have only known him six weeks. I know he desperately needs me to love him wholeheartedly no matter what he does. But when he does something shitty to someone then smirks, "Oops, I'm sorry," I have trouble keeping it all in perspective.
9. I worry that I love Linden because she's so cute and cuddly and tries so hard to do the right thing, and that this is going to be a lifelong pattern for her that will mess her up in a big way. I worry that she'll get pregnant at 14 because she thinks she has to be cute and physically affectionate to get love and that she won't value her own boundaries. I worry that she'll think she has to be perfect in order to deserve love.
10. Due to some questions about sexual play at the orphanage, I sleep in Linden's room and the Winemaker sleeps in Oak's room. We feel that this is keeping them safe from each other and bad patterns of behavior, but it's not doing much for our sex life, or even cuddling time.
Oh yeah, the family and friends blog is SUCH a big lie! (If yours is anything like mine, that is!)
ReplyDeleteI was also raised with almost no TV and I just left a comment on someone else's blog about how much i LOVE tv for raising kids. It's great! Why didn't my parents take advantage of that? I know that screen time = brain junk food, blah blah blah whatever, BUT. I also think that TV is a really good way for kids to relax, and for kids whose new life is super-stressful and really unpredictable, especially if they are having language issues, sometimes it is the only way they can totally relax without having to be hypervigilant - it doesn't ask anything of them. So really, letting them watch TV is really something you do because you are such a good mother, right? And you care about their trauma, right?
Hope that YOU are doing okay. This stage is so hard - well, it was for me, and my children weren't old enough to throw things at me (although they did a lot of throwing UP on me).
Thanks for the empathetic perspective! (And for reading...)
ReplyDeleteOh, my gosh this made me laugh--love your honesty! Sometimes blogs are so perfect it's hard to believe what's true--so thanks for posting something *real*. We are working toward our first adoption, so love a real insight into things. :-)
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