Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The Worst Holiday Song of All

The number one worst holiday song of all times is “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” 

 It’s even worse than “Feliz Navidad,” which makes me grit my teeth, which makes my colleagues ALWAYS suggest that the Spanish classes remember to carol in my room.  

It's even worse than “Santa Baby,” which is creepy skanky, but pretty direct, and “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” which is SUPPOSED to be terrible.  

Yes, it’s even worse than John Denver’s maudlin “Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas (I Don’t Want To See My Mama Cry)” which at least is not played on radios.  It’s just stuck in my head FOREVER because my big sister was a huge JD fan, and in those days of yore, you played the whole damn record.  On the plus side, I also have the complete lyrics to plenty of good John Denver songs stuck in my head forever, which comes in handy when my kids need me to sing them to sleep.

The major problem with ISMKSC is that the kid is supposed to be naïve enough to believe in Santa, yet their reaction to seeing Mom make out with a bearded stranger is not outrage or even confusion, but “Boy, wouldn’t it be hilarious if Dad walked in right now?”  What kind of a terrible person thinks it would be funny to witness their father catching their mother cheating?   

Another issue is that we, the audience, can infer that this is in fact Daddy dressed up as Santa.  But the kid is supposed to be upstairs asleep.  So why is Daddy dressed up?  Is this some weird sex game the kid walked in on?  “Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus…”  Really?  Eww.

That’s my nomination.  What’s yours?

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